The 4th.

If this strikes you as a simple and detail lacking post, well you might be right.

I’m don’t want to sit here and write out my life story, I like to think that the people who are reading this from the early days know me well enough that they don’t need to hear it again, and people who are new, well they don’t care…I hope. If you do and I don’t satisfy your desire to know more, then by all means leave a comment (I prefer true members, but if you’re more comfy being anonymous then go right ahead!)

Jumping in.

Mister and I have been married for 9 years now, during this time I’ve identified as bi and stressed my desires for more openness in our relationship, he, being straight and mono…did not.

A lot of you knew to poly or even a lot of you just more traditional might ask what the point was then, why marry him at all, why not let him go free to find his true mate and let me go free to…well be free.

Well, I’m poly, I don’t think that way, I never have. I love him, I’m his, he is mine and I didn’t want to “set him free” and live with out him, I also didn’t know there was a word for what I was feeling, poly.

I’m not sure how ever poly person feels in that ah-ha moment when it hits you, it’s the same feeling I had when I figured out I was bi and I wasn’t alone!

And with both, I struggled before I knew what they were.

You deny it, you fight it, you break all the rules and really struggle in it. I had no idea that what I was feeling was a proper feeling, it wasn’t this shameful thing, it was this beautiful thing, so beautiful it honestly moved me to tears when I figured it out.

I had unfortunately gone about my feelings and natural ways the wrong way, after years of smothering the feelings to love another person, to open my heart and life to another, I strayed. I had an affair, I cheated, I was an asshole, out right.

I’m sorry for that.

I can say it a million times, I wish I could take it back, but honestly words can not express how much I wish I could erase that, it wasn’t worth it, not just the person or the way about it, the entire situation from the ground up, is regrettable at best.

But, in those moments I fell further in love with my Mister, he honestly showed sides of himself I hadn’t seen and tragically it all showed me what the hell I was about to throw away, thank god he’s a better person then I am, because he didn’t leave.

Now, was that glitch in our life a direct result of my poly-self being denied? Of course not, there were lots of things going on, but it was a factor.

I’m bi, it gives me the chance to love broader, I’m poly, it opens that up even further. I want and can almost go as far as saying, need, multiple loves, I do, I feels right to me, it satisfies something inside of me that I can’t put a finger on.

You might say “It puts a finger on the fact that you can’t be faithful” well sorry, you’re wrong. I can be, have been, and will be…even as a poly.

I crave honesty and openness, he’s my life partner, I want to share everything I can with him, I want to see the joy in his eyes at my own happiness, I want to see him in love from a different perspective, I want to know everything.

So here we are, embarking on this journey together.

He’s come so far, he truly amazes me, he’s got me and luckily I have him 🙂

Dear god 2010?!

Where the hell has the year gone, better yet, where has the 26 years I’ve been cruising through this life gone?! Gosh!

I think I have said this every week for 150 years, time for change. Big and small, near and far, I am changing things, it’s long over due really….like my library books I keep forgetting about Shh.

I’ll pay the darn penalty.

Any how.

I’ve become bored, very bored, very lonely, very, bored.

I need change, I need a fix. I need to breathe life into what has become motions in the dark. I want who I was to come back to me, I want to be her again. I want to laugh from my belly, speak from my heart, live in the moment and know my future. Tis the season for change.

I’m also bored with food, granted I can’t stop eating!

I/we became non-smokers on November 22nd, I have been yet another walking cliche…stuffing myself like a fool and not only that, stuffing  myself with shit I don’t eat! That vegans do not eat, get me?

So now the stress and guilt are driving me to do what? EAT!

Boooooo!

No more of that.

Time to make our vegan food more interesting.

Any how, thanks if you’re reading this…sorry it’s not something amazing.

I’ll mak it up to you!

“Mommy has nightmares too”

July 3rd:

My Grandmothers birthday today. As I write this it’s still that day, I’m sure by the time I end it, it’ll be July 4th or 5th.

It was to be a lazy day, my Grandmother was feeling under the weather so I rescheduled her “party” for Monday, called her later in the day then I wished I had and sung Happy Birthday with the baby, I could hear her smile. We made plans for Monday, just the girls hanging out in my town, eating, laughing and making memories. “I love you”

I’m sitting on my porch and I hear my phone ringing, baby brings it to me and it’s my Grandmother, I pick up, and it’s my autistic uncle, his tone is as scared and childlike as it was when my Grandfather passed and all I can think is “please don’t take her from me” either one, both my Grandmother and Great Grandmother were together today, ironically Great Grandma was picked up by Grandma so she could come back to her house and tend to her.

 She wasn’t well.

 Suddenly I am flooded with emotions that I’ve buried so deep inside of me, feelings that rock my soul and can literally push me to insanity, I felt exactly as I did when my Grandfather passed, and I’m still not over that. I hold it together, telling him calmly that I am on my way when really I want to scream it at the top of my lungs, the louder I am showing how much I care apparently. I realize in this moment that him and I only exchange “I love yous” when someone is dead or dieing, we’re changing that.

I hang up, pulling and struggling to remain calm for him, his voice trembles as mine becomes weak, we say good bye.

It’s frantic, my mind, it’s just racing, nothing makes sense, it’s every single emotion at one time and to the extreme, it’s blinding. I’m a mess, slowly a thread is being pulled and soon I shall unravel into this crying blacked out mess on the floor I was before.

I’m hastily running around our house trying to some how give off this “it’s alright, we got this” vibe for Raigen, my little angle shadow, she’s there at my skirt-tail, those big ocean blue eyes I’ve lost myself in for 4 years are now rimmed with slick tears as I stare down at her, I swear our vulnerable faces mirror each other as her perfect little pout turns into her best dramatic frown “Why can’t my Grandma Hussy breathe?”

I’m falling, I’m slipping, I’m about to dive head first into myself, it’s coping, it’s black, it’s nothing it’s no pain, it’s no feelings at all, it’s just silence and easy, no words, no promises, just complete insanity, mind numbing, teeth grinding stress that turns you silent for weeks, chemical burned fingers and blood shot eyes, it’s ocd at it’s prime.

I’m gasping, I can’t think, I can’t, for some reason it feels like a fire, where every single thing I love is about to burn to the ground and I need to grab quick, I call Mister. Raigen is running up the stairs to grab an item for me, I am shoving my camera into a bag, my lappy slung across my back, we’re off. It doesn’t take long to pack what’s important when over half of it is in the hospital now.

Poor Mister, he’s known me like this, where I can’t make sense of anything and I honestly sound as if I have nothing left, because it feels like I don’t. “Please be careful”

They say rage will kill you on the streets, I swear sheer panic almost heightens my senses, I manage to thread my way across the state in record time, maintaining 85 miles an hour comfortably, tears streaking my cheeks in the slower areas, holding it in and only allowing myself to crack when Raigen isn’t looking. “We have to be strong for her honey” You have to because I can’t be.

I remember these feelings, my breath tight in my chest, heaving and gasping, it feels like your soul is being pulled from you, ripped from you, you sob, it’s violent body shaking cries, yet no tears come, it’s horrible, it’s panic, period. When my Grandfather passed, it plunged me into this depression I had never felt before in my life, and as a seasoned pro, I was pretty shocked. I can say that I will never be the same, better or worse, who knows, but I won’t be, I can’t be because I am not over it, I simply can’t get over it.

 To have a hero is amazing, everyone should, to have a hero you know is pretty awesome, but to have a hero you not only know, but that you’re closely related to and close in general with? Well you my friend are one lucky bastard. And that was me, lucky. I was what he called his number one, Grandma Nana says “the apple of his eye” either way it’s words I live for because I adored him, and I love knowing he loved me. I wish we said it a million times more…I would make him say it every time we parted “I love you Grandpa”

When you love someone and need someone you hold onto them tightly, when they’re yanked away and you’re left there to hold onto the foggy memories and old boots, well you wish you held on with both hands.

I’m praying as I drive, to myself, to your god, to his god, to that god, to him and her and them and whoever the fuck is listening to my madness at this hour on this day as I slither through the trucker highways of my state, it’s blackness, strangers and filthy rapist looks in a shop I am forced to stop at after my cell phone dies and I realize I need cough drops and a shirt! and a brush and well, ya know, basic crap most people have on them for a day trip let alone this long trip that may not be over for a long time. So I get through another city, another bridge, another construction zone, another speed trap, another street void of lights and plunge into literal darkness that is the long haul, it’s wide open.

We get there and I feel as if I came into the parking lot on two wheels, my glasses speckled with dried tears, my eyes bloodshot and worried, we get back to her, she isn’t well. I can’t cry, tears wouldn’t come if you had a gun to my head, it’s this mothering instinct, I need to be where I’m needed, I need to be helping and fixing and tending and loving, keep me doing this and I won’t break. I also wont sleep or eat, but I may stroke out.

She was taken in at 7 I was there by 9ish she was monitored and everything and then brought up to her room at 4am, still there of course. 4:30am I leave her to go get coffee, balloons, snacks for the rest of the family, a shower, a tooth brushing and a blow out, if I’m not going to sleep I at least need to look alright! Get back to her at 8:45, I would of been earlier but they wouldn’t let me in before 9am technically. So, there I was for the rest of the day, finally leaving at 7:30pm the night of the 4th.

 It’s not work, it’s not trouble, it’s love, I would do a lot more if asked to for those I love so dearly. I realize in these little moments we get to share, sitting there in the hospital room, tinkering with this, making fun of that, laughing at this and taking pictures of that, I realize that there is no one that will ever come close to being to me what she is, her laugh is amazing, it’s so full of life and beautiful, oddly enough Mister says I have her laugh, which is more of a cackle to him. Laughing is a serious business where I come from, laugh like ya mean it dammit.

No one else will go and get shotty tattoos with me, no one else will stay up until 4am with me watching HBO’s Oz, late night Smoking Gun Presents, and every other odd show that we came across, so long as she didn’t get it stuck on Murder she wrote, again 😦 No one will just be able to love me the way she has, like a mother, a sister, a best friend, I adore her.

I’m a rock in these situations, holding it together, going far beyond what people expect, but I’m fragile…I stay the closest to the ones I love the most and right now I curse the miles between us…I’ve never lived this far from her ever, yet I can still almost get to her just as fast, imagine that. I want to be with her daily, to get up and see her and hold her hand and laugh with her, I want to bum rush her like I did my Grandfather every morning at 5am for years, he loved it, he started pretending he didn’t know I was creeping up on him, same routine every single day, I pretended I didn’t know he was pretending, then I waited until he fell asleep and painted his nails and toenails with the help of my look out – his wife 😛

So I dunno…I’m not well…. I don’t like when the people who make me strong, aren’t. I don’t like burning pain, the aching, throbbing torturous pain that is losing apart of yourself, I know what it feels like when a part of your soul dies, I do. I’m not ready to lose her, I’ll never be ready. At this rate I’ll end up smothering her to death but that’s fine.

I’m staying here for awhile, yes moving into the back room while Raigen is on a month holiday and I’m tending to her. I don’t have friends or games or drugs or whatever that is more important, nothing is more important to me then my family, my daughter, my Grandmothers, the woman I love, my husband…nothing can come close.

So I shall be here for awhile… She is there overnight obviously, I guess right now technically she’s been there for three nights, man. I came back home to sleep a wink, then I have to drive my uncle to work, go back to the hossy and then pick him up, drop him off and go back again. I’m going to try and stay the night with her tomorrow. I miss her. I can’t stand how uncomfortable it is in this house with out her, she’s the heart of everything. It still feels strange on this land with out my Grandfather and now this? It’s stifling. She’ll be okay, but not forever. (I passed out at this point, sorry) *I drove my uncle to work an hour and a half early to be by her side, left to go get him, grabbed a birthday gift from him to her and went back, sat for a couple more hours, took him home and swapped him for my Great Grandmother and went back again until bed time, then came home again, starting it all over in the morning.*

Missing you already.

So I dunno that I have shared it with anyone in Flickr land aside from Imhara and Aurelien of course, but we’re moving. And don’t feel like I left you out on purpose, I haven’t told anyone because I haven’t posted anything since we found out, and surely I am not the kinda gal that will throw an image up just to talk about something else.

So seeing as how I couldn’t think of an image to relate it to, I just didn’t.

Any how, yes, now you know, we’re moving, see? Not left out now.

Any how, yes we decided it was needed because of the school zone, and that alone. So we found a place and fell in love, well we found a place we loved after looking at nothing but shit holes, him and I are pretty easy going but tend to get a bit anxious about things like this and jump on what finally does come along, and we found a good one, thank god.

What’s so bad? I’m not over this place yet.

I love this place…seriously with all my heart. I feel like I was born to be in this area. I love everything about it, aside from the schools. Sure they are B schools downtown, I went to an A school downtown, I got jumped in an A school downtown and refuse to even think about having that happen to my daughter. Can it happen to her in an A school away from the hustle of the big city? You bet, maybe even worse, but at least I will know I did what I could.

Any how, I will miss this place forever, I really will. I can not really put into words what it is to me…but it reminds me of where I feel I belong, yet can’t seem to get there to even visit. So finding this place was amazing, it’s amazing. I can walk in any direction here and find something to shoot, something cool, something I didn’t notice before, and never am I more then a glance away from the water, all the boat traffic and waves and sea life, I belong near the water if not in it and finally we were close, this amazingly close and we have to leave it behind.

I know I’ll cry for this place, we’ll never see anything like it again I feel for some reason. Either way, I don’t want to have to be away, yet we have to.

These past few days I have spend packing and loading and moving and unloading and unpacking and going so fast I haven’t even stopped to look at anything, so today I took a day off and rested a bit, I lost a night of sleep tonight so I treated myself….

I crept into the long stairwells and shot some crap…then strolled out onto the front balcony and watched the poor folks up before the sun hustling around town, watched the sun start to peek over the trees in the front before I grabbed my tripod and went downstairs, pleased to discover as I had first though by looking up and around at the windows and doors, that everyone was still asleep on a Sunday at this hour or not coming out. Any how, I set up and did some really crappy shots here, nothing fancy, only stuff to remember this place by. Oddly enough we’ve lived here thus far and I have never stopped to really appriciate the spaces. I will though.

I’m going to stop tonight and take time out for me and do some more shooting, I owe myself.

Because as I walked around bare foot and alone aside from my camera (yes she’s a living thing to me!) I realized that nothing comes close to the joy I feel as I sit on the edge of a sea wall, feet well above the water as I stare out at it, watch the cars race across the bridges, watch lights come on one by one around in the other flats, hear the water, smell the water, feel the cool wet air push my locks back as I sit still and feel so small and so amazing at the same time. Nothing could compare to it.

I loved the silence, the coolness, the feeling of being totally alone yet surrounded on all sides…being alone to shoot and breathe, I enjoyed my treat to myself this morning and now I am beyond depressed to think that I could of had that each and every single morning, yet I wait until now to see and feel it…what a waste.

I’ve wasted a lot of time in my life, and that breaks me down.

One more thing to miss before I ever got the chance to know it fully.

I want to treat myself to this more often…sneak over here even after we’ve moved and spend my morning like that…walk the town as the sun just comes up…if only the Mister shared the same feelings…he’s not so much into getting up alone, no matter how great the moment. We’ll see…

Life can’t keep passing me by and I can’t keep going through it with my eyes closed and my priorities all fucked.

Waiting Games.

So we’re still waiting to hear back from the HOA about our application for the house. We paid extra to put a rush on it, which takes a week, while it seems like it’s been a month, in reality tomorrow will be a week, ha. So tomorrow we should hear from them. I am assuming that we have it, been doing positive thinking on the whole thing, and it hasn’t been re-listed to I think it’s safe to bet that we have it, but who knows.

Still have to hear back from the HOA and meet with them and what not. I can not wait to get moved and make it a home already. We’ve lived in so many places and really have not made any a home because we knew we wouldn’t be there long or just really weren’t happy where we were for one reason or another. But this one is going to be home for a few years, so we’re going to put some love into it and make it ours. Again, can’t wait.

It’s just an emotional situation right now really.

I’m going to miss this place, while it doesn’t compare to where I will always feel my heart is, it’s as close as we’ve gotten and we both fell in love straight away. So I think I will mourn the loss for this place, but grow to accept that it’s just not right for us right now. But that doesn’t change the love we have for this location. It’s by far one of the nicest places we’ve lived in and for sure the best location, out of all the posh major cities we’ve lived in, I’ve only felt right in this one.

I’ll miss waking up to the amazing light flooding our room each morning combined with it’s reflection off the water right at our backdoor. It’s wonderful to be able to sit outside and watch the dolphins, stingrays and manatees playing out there, to hear the life that’s held in the water below is from our own bedroom or living room, its insane and beautiful.

While the new house backs up to a lake, it surely doesn’t have dolphins in it, and it’s not even salt water, but it’s still pretty, just because it’s a change doesn’t mean it’s a bad one. And it’s not at all, just different.

But yea…we spent yesterday walking around our town and taking a million pictures, we won’t be moving to far, but obviously won’t be able to just walk outside and into the city, which is another thing we’ll miss. So we’re making the best of this these days, just exploring and shooting, it’s so weird…we’ve walked this city inch by inch over and over again, but neither of us ever get tired of it, it’s beautiful.

We walked and walked and shot and shot, then walked to Starbucks and lay around in the den there and just relaxed and enjoyed ourselves, it was wonderful. I haven’t felt that peaceful and happy in a long time, it was fun.

But here’s to making new memories in another location, I am sure we will make wonderful ones and start new traditions, I can’t wait.

We did it we did it!

Weeee, finally found a house after looking at what feels like every shit hole on this coast!

It’s 4 bedroom with a den, 3 full bathrooms and about 3k sq. feet, sucks we have to deal with hoa now, BUT it has it’s pluses, yards are kept up etc etc. So yay!

We can’t obviously have the farm animals we were hoping for, but we can have a nice house in a good part of town with awesome schools, yay!

Yes, we will miss this place…well mostly the view and the location, we all love being so close to down town and being able to walk to Starbucks and good eats and good city scenes etc. But the schools suck here, and well…we all know that every major city has a nice side and a slum, we’re not exactly thrilled with having to drive through the ghetto to get to our awesome flat.

So that is gone! And now instead of nice old ladies at the front desk we get to have butchy security guards who scare me

We still have to meet with the hoa and get their approval of us…nothing like feeling like you’re in HS all over again…but we put a rush on the papers, so hopefully this week we will meet and get our key cards, clickers, extra keys and garage opener.

We signed right after viewing it and got a key, but of course the guard was having no part of us coming back in since we aren’t IN IN yet But it is ours, we just need to be listed by the hoa and get our asses outta here…

We could move in by this Friday…yea, two sleeps from now…but honestly it’ll take some time. I could rush, well we could rush and get this house packed in a week if we had to, if that, but since we have to pay for both (penelty for leaving this one before our lease is up) we may as well take our time ya know?

Any who, here is to moving with out pulling anything or worse breaking my bones and to painting and making some minor changes to the new place, YAY!

Who wants to come paint 18 foot tall walls with me?! You can stand on my shoulders!

 

Ya know what sucks? That less than a year ago we sold our new $2,400 dollar washer and dryer for 600 bucks…we GAVE away our $2,600 couch and now we will have to pretty much buy both again at some point…obviously the washer and dryer are happening this week, the larger couch will come sooner or later…we went from an 11 foot couch to a gdamn love seat, ya know how tiny it will look in that house?! Haa.

Any how, we are happy happy!

Finally!

 

Dream.

I went to bed lastnight with a stuffy nose and crying, which only means that instead of slipping away to a less tragic place in my sleep that I will some how manage to fall into an even deeper shit in my sleep. And luck will have it, I did!

For some reason we were living in a house that seemed to be my step grandparents place, it’s nice, so that wasn’t bad.

But then some how, now of course I’ve lost the how to it all, I found out that Mister was cheating on me, and doing so for 3 solid years…with NESS!

They lived here, like across the street or something and my parents had this camper they lived in right there also.

I was shocked…and I am guessing crying in my sleep because I was in my dream, long hard sobs, so of course I woke up feeling like I ran a marathon because it feels like I held my breath half the night or more.

Any how, Aurelien also was there of course and him and I met, and talked about it, he had a lip ring though.

Ness seemed not so shocked and either did Brian, but I remember feeling like life had stopped all of a sudden and I just couldn’t make sense of anything.

We lived in some circus town, with weird haunted houses and rides and some odd sex place that was always open, it was a shack dump shit hole looking place, with a chair blocking the front door (there was none) and this shirtless guy sitting in front of it, when we walked by once there were loads of naked people in there and some nude woman walked by behind the shirtless guy, I remember having three packs on, one was my camera shit and I remember thinking about getting a picture.

Ness went off with Brian and my parents, I remember how it made me feel, and Aurelien had stayed behind and we walked and talked, walked through the circus thing and I remember looking at the fairies and telling him “I’m gay for fairies.”

I remember watching Raigen way up high on this weird ride…

I think Aurelien had come from the sex place or something because I remember sitting next to him asking him what he was doing there and he responded “Was only going to do a little fingering” then of course I was mad at him LOL.

Well, then we get back to our kitchen, which for some reason now looks like the shacks kitchen I grew up in, and we’re doing some vote in, a raise of hands seeing if we all will agree to vote yes to Ness and Aurelien staying with us, I have no idea why!

I remember raising my hand yes, and so did my dad and whoever else was there (I think my mom or Brian) wasn’t 100% sold yet and we out-voted them.

I’m not sure if I am missing anything else, of course there were a million scenes and emotions in there, but that was the bulk of it…

I hate how my dreams tramatize me, now I will have a rough day thanks to the left over emotions from them 😦 I hate hate hate my dreams, alot of people know this, but alot of people don’t know why or how they make me feel.

The days after I feel trapped in the shitty emotions, it’s so tragic.

Now of course I want Ness and Aurelien to live here so we can all do naughty things, but that was the only bonus! And of course in my dream did not feel like a bonus 😛

Protected: I’ve taken my rants to the hnl. (yea, go on and google “hnl” better yet, youtube it!)

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So I did it..

I created a damn blog, yes go ahead and laugh, cry or mark this page and check back again and again until you learn everything there is to know about me.

Either way, thanks to those who find the need to follow it, really means alot!

 

P.s. Totally enjoy my header…I am so glad I found (and even created) an  image of me that makes me look waaaaay fucking old and ugly, yes it was hard to do, but I did it and now I am punishing myself for it and making it my header. You get to suffer with me 😀